Stories from my childhood, a photo essay

[valadilenne]

When I was a little toddler I was afraid of nothing and had no doubt that I was completely capable of doing basically anything and everything. It confused me that my parents had these rules and regulations about not getting in the car and turning the ignition switch, or not filling up the bathtub on my own. I was 2 going on 45. I still kind of am. Of course, I was an only child at the time and didn't have a brother constantly hasslin' me, cramping my style and taking naps in my bed when I'm at work all day [damnit].

My parents love to tell the story of the time we went to Eureka Springs in December of '86. I had just turned 2, had the walking and talking thing down so well, and they were ready to show me some of the greater intricacies of life. We were standing in a park called Blue Springs and there was a little machine that you could stick pocket change into and get a handful of dried corn to feed the ducks with.

My mom decided that this was a fantastic idea because she had a lot of experience with feeding some ducks. She was good at attracting them. Some say too good. So good at it, in fact, that I was thrilled with my mom's new talent and demanded, in my bossy first-born way, that she get some more of them to show up (and let me in on some of that sweet action too). She handed me some corn, and I threw it on the ground, instantly captivating a generation of waterfowl.

"More ducks," I said in my infinite 2 year old wisdom. "More ducks."

"You want some more corn to feed the ducks?"

"More ducks." Apparently this sounded like I though the corn was called ducks. I still get asked to this day if I want "more ducks," or if we should get "more ducks". I always defend myself by saying that I wanted more ducks to show up, because the fact that my mom could command animals was pretty great. She was like Aquaman, only on land and with a nice perm.

So it was actually more like "Mom can you make some MORE DUCKS come over here? I'm thinking of starting an army of animals my own size."

Here are some pictures of me amassing my nihilistic forces of darkness. It still surprises me that I used to be blonde when I was little--I have dark hair now. I look pretty much the same, except for I'm maybe an inch or two taller. Oh, and the whole "boobs with their own gravity pull" thing.


I love the ducks that are barely visible in the foreground. They decided to create their own faction group, and were quickly destroyed. TRAITORS


Mom showing me how to use their pliable loyalties to my advantage.


Half this image was scanned badly, but you can clearly see two things here: a) I have been named the new Wartime Consigliera of a flock of ducks and b) My dad has seen the full force of my power and is suitably made nervous. The blurry part of this picture is the other half of the ducks I'm surrounded by. Their attentive little poses are so cute.


Rear Lefteneral Bill C. McQuakers looks to his new leader in respect and admiration for that totally boss Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. I think he was Donald's cousin.


And me at a younger age hiding in the laundry hamper. This is just a random picture and not a representation of what I do at age 23 when I see a large flock of ducks coming for me. Super swear.